Humor
Humor
Now relegated to Blogblivion...Thursday, August 25, 2005
Received In E-Mail
Attributed here.
Here is one man’s very imaginative way to deal with a pesky telemarketer:
The phone rang as I was setting down to my anticipated evening meal, and as I answered it I was greeted with, “Is this Wilhiam Wagenhoss?” This didn’t sound anything like my name, so I asked, “Who is calling?” The telemarketer said he was with The Rubberband-Powered Freezer Company or something like that and then I asked him if he knew Wilhiam personally and why was he was calling this number. I then said off to the side, “Get really good pictures of the body and all the blood.”
I then turned back to the phone and advised the caller that he had entered a murder scene and must stay on the line because we had already traced this call and he would be receiving a summons to appear in the local courthouse to testify in this murder case.
I then questioned the caller at great length as to his name, address, phone number at home, at work, who he worked for, how he knew the dead guy and could he prove where he had been about one hour before the made this call.
The telemarketer was getting very concerned and his answers were given in a shaky voice.I proceeded to tell him we had located his position at his work place and the police were entering the building to take him into custody. At that point, I heard the phone fall and the scurrying of his running away.
My wife asked me as I returned to our table, why I had tears streaming down my face and so help me, I couldn’t tell her for about fifteen minutes.
My meal was cold, but oh-so-very enjoyable.
~ Rancher Chuck
Wednesday, July 27, 2005
Goofy Quizzes: The Other Blog Meat
| the Ham |
| CLEAN | SPONTANEOUS | LIGHT Your style’s mostly goofy, innocent and feel-good. Perfect for parties and for the dads who chaperone them. You can actually get away with corny jokes, and I bet your sense of humor is a guilty pleasure for your friends. People of your type are often the most approachable and popular people in their circle. Your simple & silly good-naturedness is immediately recognizable, and it sets you apart in this sarcastic world. PEOPLE LIKE YOU: Will Ferrell - Will Smith |
 |
My test tracked 3 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender:
|
| Link: The 3 Variable Funny Test written by jason_bateman on Ok Cupid |
Via the witty Caltechgirl
Nomenclature
Question for Jen, or whoever wants to answer it:
What would be the female variants of the names “Owen” and “Lucas”?
Just idly wondering…
Wednesday, July 20, 2005
Received In E-Mail
A well known diplomat had just returned from a weekend at a stately country home.
When he was asked by a friend whether or not he’d had a good time, he said, “If the soup had been as warm as the wine, and the wine as old as the chicken, and the chicken as tender as the upstairs maid, and the maid as willing as the Lady of the house, it would have been perfect.”
Friday, July 01, 2005
You found Us
Now the question is, oh Google visitor, are you from Korea, or did you mean bagel?
Friday, June 24, 2005
Olek V. New London Case
In all the fuss over Kelo, we’ve missed another important decision. Luckily we have Coyote Blog all over this one. From the cited article reporting Olek V. New London:
The Supreme Court on Thursday ruled that local governments may seize people’s advertising space—even against their will—for alternate advertisers who promote economic development or higher taxes.
Once again, O’Connor was a dissenter:
Justice Sandra Day O’Connor, who has been a key swing vote on many cases before the court, issued a stinging dissent. She argued that “This makes me so mad, I could, I could… aw, forget it. I’m retiring this year to a Pacific island anyway, so y’all are free to screw up this country as much as you want”.
Kelo-related posts:
Will The Supremes And Bad Lawyering Perpetrate A Constitutional Travesty?
United States Constitution, 1788 - 2005: Promise Unkept
Bad Precedent
Additional Kelo Fallout Thoughts
Will the Money Be Followed?
Kelo and Raich: The Root of the Supreme Court Problem?
Olek V. New London Case
Kelo and "Fair" Value
Boycotting Can Be Hard
Becker and Posner on Kelo and Eminent Domain
Kelo, IOLTA and Drugs - Oh My
Sama on Kelo, Disney, and Boston's West End Tragedy
Was Kelo The Lost Battle That Won The War?
You Thought The Kelo Outcome Couldn't Be Worse?
Weaponized Banana
This is the term I came up with spontaneously the other day for banana Sadie gets onto the floor, rather than into her, so you can then step on it and be grossed out.
Monday, June 20, 2005
Google Force Reduction Antidote
It appears my pictures, nude, naked and without clothes search hits for Erica Durance, Kristin or Kristen Kreuk, Allison or Alison Mack, Janel Moloney, Mary McCormack, Melissa Fitzgerald, Lisa Edelstein, Elisabeth or Elizabeth Moss, Jorja Fox, Emily Procter or Proctor, Jennifer Finnigan, Jennifer Morrison, and whoever else have diminished markedly. Did I mention Danica McKellar? I may have.
Anyway, this is likely because we’re in the off season for TV, eh? I guess I could increase the volume by mentioning others, like Carrie Underwood, naked, nude, or without clothes, even if there are no pictures. If I were being fair to the other sex, I could also mention Bo Bice, but hey. I guess the trick is to increase the range. Add more to the collection, like Katie Holmes, Anna Paquin, Halle Berry, Lindsay Lohan, Amber Tamblyn, Becky Wahlstrom, Megeina Tovah, Constance Zimmer, Sprague Grayden, Paula Abdul, Hilary or Hillary Duff, Sara Paxton, Emma Taylor-Isherwood, Jessica Alba, Renee Zellweger, Meg Ryan, Nicole Kidman, Caroline Dhavernas, Katie Finneran, Jewel Staite, Tracie Thoms, Kathryn Morris, or more that I am too sleepy to think of now.
Or I could stop baiting Google.
Naw. That’s no fun.
Friday, June 17, 2005
Now That’s The Ticket!
Who to run in 2008?
How about the best of the Bush clan: Barbara Bush. Who says she’s too old? She’s young at heart.
But who to run with her? Laura lives in the same state. Perhaps Condi? What do you think?
Wednesday, June 15, 2005
Speaking of Apocalypse…
Looks like channel 10 forcasts just that for the weekend.
Sunday, June 12, 2005
Deb Says Post This For Nathan
And that we’ll get along well if we ever get together in person.
I stacked some of Sadie’s toys, then they started to tip and I observed it couldn’t hold its base. Deb took the bait and remarked “like George Bush.”
I laughed and said “it just goes to show you can’t bull your base.”
I, too, will be here all week. No applause, just throw money.
Tuesday, June 07, 2005
The Paths of The Oompa-Loompas
And so, much to his chagrin, Aragorn mistakenly took not the Paths of the Dead, but the paths of the Oompa-Loompas…
Oompa Loompa, Loompa Dee Doo,
We’ll clean out Minas Tirith for you,
Oompa Loompa, Loompa Dee Dee
We’ll kill those Orcs and kill them with glee!
Wednesday, June 01, 2005
Dating Antics
This has to be the funniest dating post ever. You’d almost think he’s a screenwriter, stand up comic, or that sort of thing…
This is why meeting another blogger is helpful, though I understand that eHarmony is superior, as online services go.
Tuesday, May 31, 2005
The Smuggernaut Rolls On
Congratulations Jen! Some of us are not surprised at all, even as we are overwhelmingly happy for you.
Saturday, May 21, 2005
Fun At Whose Expense?
I’m doing some work for my big client, and it requires in part that I log on as each user at each respective workstation.
One of the secretaries upstairs is on vacation, due back Monday. She asked for this by recently forwarding around one of those humor e-mails with pictures of cubicle prankes, like the one where everything is wrappen aluminum foil, and the one where the cube is filled with packing peanuts.
At first I was a little amused when I saw strands of taped together peanuts framing her monitor and draped on her chair and desk. I could still see the monitor, and I don’t need to sit.
Then I noticed the keyboard!
It is “gift wrapped” in newspaper, such that I can’t use it without disrupting the prank. Or, come to think of it, temporarily plugging in a different keyboard. Hmmmm… Anyway, it’s terribly funny, but not exactly convenient for the other person who needs the computer. It probably never even registered to the perpetrator that my e-mail about what I planned to do this weekend implied use of that computer.
I’m disappointed I won’t be able to finish this completely, but after noticing the prank, I remembered there is also one locked office for which I don’t have a key.
Sunday, April 24, 2005
In Cycles Of Circular Notion
We recently received the car excise tax bills, and that had the dangerous side-effect of getting me thinking.
It also gave us the pleasure of seeing Deb’s truck drastically undervalued in an apparent mistake by the town. So sad for them. Lower tax on a 2001 than on a 1993, and barely more than on a 1988. Which is not to say I don’t consider excise, as done in Massachusetts, a relatively “good” tax, as such transfers of wealth at the point of a gun go. Since the local governments take care of the local roads, and the cars in the town presumably use those roads, it makes a modicum of sense. How weird. Kind of like the gas tax being used for financing roads and thus being vaguely palatable in its relative unobtrusiveness and logic.
Anyway, as everyone knows, the government owns all real property, and people merely have use of it. That can be taken away for failure to pay rent (taxes), or for the whim of some “public use” more important than whatever you were doing with it, like, say, merely living or operating a business there. This seems to follow logically from the days when a king was construed as owning the land in his kingdom, as a standard tenet of government, however purportedly free or respectful of property.
The first place I ever noticed the word chattels was on a show or movie in which, on winning new territory, it was announced that all your land and chattels are belong to the new king. Naturally I had to look the word up and see what was up with that, at which point I was horrified that in the olden days the sovereign owned everything.
So I was thinking that cars are chattel property. Ditto for property other than real estate used in a business. That both of those things can be taxed, and taken for failure to comply, means that the same “you don’t really own it” concept applies to, well, everything.
This leads to the conclusion that the government owns everything, whatever commercial and social lubricant fiction leads to a general perception otherwise.
Okay, so in this country, we have a “democracy,” in the form of a democratic republic. Thus we are the government and “own” the country. So we collectively own everything. Which naturally makes us communists, so who needs private property…
The Prodigal Sadie Strikes
She just turned off Deb’s computer! More accurately, the UPS the computer plugs into. Which resulted in us laughing our butts off. Which had the kid rather alarmed.
Guess I shouldn’t have humored her curiosity and taught her about switches. She knows how to work the bedroom light switch and last night learned how the living room light turns off and on (pull chain). Then again, I didn’t teach her about rocker switches.
Shoot, I just remembered that she did the same thing to me last week, only in my case it was sitting on my lap and pushing in the button on the computer, making it shut down before my eyes. Little rascal.
Wednesday, April 13, 2005
Now That’s A Rush
Acidman’s post reminded me of this funny fireant commercial I got from someone at my old job.
Monday, April 11, 2005
Overheard In Our House
"He wants to be a disemheaded body!”
Saturday, April 02, 2005
Does Anyone Else…
Become amused on seeing the Pope’s, or any probably dying person’s, condition described as “grave”?
I can’t help thinking “grave? but he’s not dead yet!”
Friday, April 01, 2005
Best of the Malkin Today
”Michelle Malkin“ is quite interesting today. See especially her vigilante American pictures at the bottom of the page for someone most of you know and like. How dare they paint him in such a bad light!
She also seems to have fixed her BlogAds-induced page load failure that usually keeps me from reading.
Tuesday, March 15, 2005
Don’t Forget!
Today is International Eat an Animal for PETA Day.
Kevin has more, as does Michael King here, both with nice pictures.
Meryl Yourish originated IEAPD, so check out here and there where she has still more on the celebration.
I am hoping to get some nice red meat in my travels today, for supper tonight, even though the usual frozen checken would technically do. Mmmm… Meat, it’s what’s for dinner.
Thursday, March 10, 2005
Women, In Your Next Life…
Would you want to trade a prostate for monthlies?
Well, men are welcome to answer too, in a vice-versa sort of way, but it strikes me as more of a question for the women.
Received In E-Mail (Old But Amusing)
Here are the 10 first place winners in the International Pun Contest:
1. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, “I’m sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.”
2. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says, “Dam!”
3. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can’t have your kayak and heat it too.
4. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says “I’ve lost my electron.” The other says, “Are you sure?” The first replies “Yes, I’m positive.”
5. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.
6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. “But why?” they asked, as they moved off. “Because”, he said, “I can’t stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer.”
7. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named “Ahmal.” The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him “Juan.” Year’s later; Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, “They’re twins! If you’ve seen Juan, you’ve seen Ahmal.”
8. These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to “persuade” them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their
store, saying he’d be back if they didn’t close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that only Hugh can prevent florist friars.
9. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him .... (Oh, man, this is so bad, it’s good)... A super calloused fragile mystic vexed with halitosis.
10. And finally, there was the person who sent ten different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.
Saturday, March 05, 2005
Calvin & Hobbes
Jeff reports that the entire run of Calvin & Hobbes is now online, free.
Woohoo! It’s my favorite.
Monday, February 28, 2005
Silly Observation
I keep pointing out that Sadie will be five months old on February 29th.
Sunday, February 13, 2005
Just Plane Uncoordinated Humor
You know, before we fell asleep last night, Deb and I made about a half hour of math puns back and forth at each other and Sadie. Did you know puns are a highly derivative form of humor? It was pretty pointless and got exponentially worse before it ended.
Anyway, I don’t remember if I started it or not, but that would be typical. If so, the entire episode may have been triggered by this.
And no thank you; I steer clear of math departments, so I refuse to follow the advice given, even though I got the Halloween and Christmas math joke instantly.
Friday, February 11, 2005
Received In E-Mail
How to Cook an Alien. No relation to To Serve Man.
Saturday, February 05, 2005
Received In E-Mail
This one is for the Jedi Dad and Brothers:
A seven year old boy was at the centre of a courtroom drama last week when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him. The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge awarded custody to his aunt.
The boy confirmed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and refused to live there.
When the judge suggested that he live with his grandparents the boy cried out that they beat him more than anyone.
The judge allowed the boy to choose who should have custody of him.
Custody was granted to the Cleveland Browns this morning as the boy firmly believes that they are not capable of beating anyone.