Nicotine is better than sex…or at least that’s what I tell myself.

I keep hearing that many women have sex dreams while they’re pregnant.  Not me.  Oh, no.  I have cigarette dreams.

Ladies, don’t let anybody tell you that it’s easy to quit smoking once you’re pregnant.  The extra motivation helps, yes, but it isn’t easy.  Those chicks who tell you that the moment they found out they were pregnant they threw their cigarettes away, never to feel a hint of desire for such a poisonous, terrible, evil thing again are either lying or they weren’t really smokers in the first place.  (I also happen to think they’re lousy people for making a hard thing even harder by helping you pile on the guilt.  Guilt isn’t something you really need help with.)

Look, when I found out I was pregnant, I went outside and smoked a cigarette.  It was 0130, and I couldn’t sleep because I was wondering if I really was pregnant, so I peed on a stick (which is harder to do than you’d think, unless you’ve been there), waited three minutes, and stared in shock at the second line that had appeared.  Then I cracked a huge ol’ smile and went outside and smoked a cigarette.

It was important to get at least one more in while I was still in shock, you see.  I knew I didn’t have long until the guilt hit.

And hit it did, but quitting still took time.  It took me something like 5 or 6 weeks of struggling, slowly cutting down and learning to ignore the cravings, before I managed to quit entirely.  It’s been a couple of months now since I’ve had a cigarette.  I still fight cravings every day, and frankly, I’m pretty damned tired of fighting them.

But at least I still have the dreams…

My favorite one so far is the one where I experience an absolutely remarkable, completely pain-free and bloodless futuristic birth in a hospital where everything is done in neat shades of grey and where they simply lifted the baby out of me and left the room, taking the baby with them, and I got up, got dressed, and went down to the garden for a smoke before going back to collect the baby and head home.

I think that was the best cigarette I’ve ever had.

Sigh.

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