Received In E-Mail (Old But Amusing)

Here are the 10 first place winners in the International Pun Contest:

1. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, “I’m sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.”

2. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says, “Dam!”

3. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can’t have your kayak and heat it too.

4. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says “I’ve lost my electron.” The other says, “Are you sure?” The first replies “Yes, I’m positive.”

5. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.

6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. “But why?” they asked, as they moved off. “Because”, he said, “I can’t stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer.”

7. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named “Ahmal.” The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him “Juan.” Year’s later; Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, “They’re twins! If you’ve seen Juan, you’ve seen Ahmal.”

8. These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to “persuade” them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their
store, saying he’d be back if they didn’t close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that only Hugh can prevent florist friars.

9. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him .... (Oh, man, this is so bad, it’s good)... A super calloused fragile mystic vexed with halitosis.

10. And finally, there was the person who sent ten different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

1. More than one of these made me laugh.  I read them to my 13 year old daughter, and (though it took a minute) she laughed too.

   If it’s not too much trouble, how do I do a trackback?

   Thanks

   Posted by Rob Merola  on  03/10  at  07:38 PM

2. Two more, longish ones:

   1.  An art museum was relocating within the city, to a facility across the river.  Most of the artworks and inventory had been moved by contractor, but the contract had already ended when one more room of artworks was discovered.

   Instead of hiring the Teamsters again, one of the curator’s friends offered to move the items in his family’s minivan.  They determined that it would take three trips, and he got to work.

   The first two trips went smoothly, but on the third, a kitten crossed in front of the vehicle while it was crossing a bridge.  The curator’s friend swerved to avoid the feline, but crashed full speed into the guardrail, punching through.  The minivan hung in space precariously, and the friend had to decide quick—go down with the ship, or save himself. 

   He jumped to safety, just as the vehicle fell and sank to the bottom of the river.

   Interviewed in the local paper, he was quoted as saying:

   “I hated to lose the truck, but that’s the way the van goes.”

   2.  A minister at a small rural parish decides that the church needs to be repainted, and holds a fundraising drive.  Enough money is raised to get most of the church repainted, except for, maybe, the steeple.

   Not wanting to burden his parishioners any more than he already has, he decides to go ahead with the paint that he can afford. 

   After three quarters of the church is painted, it becomes clear that he underestimated how much paint would really be needed.  He goes to the hardware store, buys some cheap paint thinner, and thins out the paint.

   Now the structure is fully covered, but the steeple remains, and still not enough paint.  So he mixes more thinner in, and keeps painting. 

   With the steeple half covered, he runs low yet again.  Shaking his head, muttering to himself, he repeats the process, and finishes the job off.

   Just as he gets off the ladder to the ground, clouds form, and rain begins falling.  The minister groans and lifts his head to heaven, and the clouds part.  One ray of sunshine falls on his face, and he hears a voice that says:

   “Repaint, and thin no more.”

   (Thank you, folks!  Here all week!)

   Posted by Ian Hamet  on  03/11  at  02:22 AM

Commenting is not available in this weblog entry.

<< Back to main

Powered by ExpressionEngine